I’ve never had a problem with big projects, or academic writing. Then again, my last stint doing an academic project was when I was 21, doing my Masters and writing a thesis that I could pay attention to because I didn’t work full-time worrying about paying a mortgage.

This time around, things are different. This thesis is significantly bigger. Where I spent that 21st year finishing the project in a year with plenty of time for editing and formatting and relaxing after, I have spent the 9 months of this year no where near finished with the primary, existing research with this one. And by primary, existing research, I mean reading and musing on  literature that is already there, not the kind of research I actually have to go out and do – like field work and analysis and interviews.

My supervisor told me I need to anchor myself in my work, so I have spent the last week visualising myself as a sort of ship, docking into thesis harbour. Despite said visualisation, I am still struggling. I have books around me, my door is closed, and my curtain is snapped shut to ensure I am not even distracted by outside visuals. And despite the fact that I am completely wrapped up in Paullina Simons’ The Girl in Times Square and its seeming cross between love story and murder mystery, I have put it away, purposely trying to ensure that my focus is solely for the 16 books surrounding my desk which must be scanned for references by tomorrow.

I have 8,000 words to write by 10pm Monday night. It’s a big deadline, esepcially considering I received notice of my annual performance review in the mail. I need something concrete to show on Tuesday morning, and my concrete slab cannot be notes of ideas and preliminary arguments and research. I thought routine would solve my problem, but even that’s not working.

I love my topic and the motivation to finish is there, in the form of a bottle of Moet that boyfriend purchased for me when I got accepted into the program and which I am only allowed to open on my graduation day, when my family will start calling me Dr. and when I will still not be closer to having any remnant of a proper job.

I used to wonder why I could never finish any of the novels I started working on. Even with my utmost intent, and my clear focus and mad determination, I could never continue with the big project. A feature I am happy to dish it out in hours, a thesis, or a book, is an entirely different story.

I am curious to know how novelists with full-time jobs do it. Where do they find the time, and the energy? How do they pave way for their writing through the distraction? How do they break up their giant task into small ones that can be easily achieved as every week goes by?

I’m hoping that soon enough, I will have the answer. Until then, I’ll continue searching this ship for its anchor, and hope that uni won’t kick me out of the thesis harbour when performance review comes around. And if they do, at least I will have my abandoned and unwritten novels to keep me occupied, or at least, still possessing that undeniable need to find the anchor.

Tags: Masters, novel, thesis, uni